Conquering Anxiety in my Twenties

There are vital times in our youth that we don’t realize will stick with us for the rest of our lives. When someone speaks of memories, we often only acknowledge that happy ones, wishing to avoid the harsh ones at all costs. Looking back at my childhood, there are few memories that stick out as “life-altering” moments for me. However, there is one memory that comes to mind often when thinking of my mental health journey. 

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Like every other day, I walked into the lunch room swarming with hungry and rowdy middle schoolers. My friends were sitting at a high top table at the back of the lunch room. It was always a battle to get the high tops since they were prime real-estate: high tables to look over the lunch room with 6 seats, not to mention the tall windows and also having the best seats to be first in line for recess. Although the dreary weather seemed like recess wasn’t going to be on our agenda today. 

I sat down with my friends who were already talking about whether or not we were going to lose power in the next period due to the rumored storms. We had presentations due today and Alyssa was second on the list to present. She was hoping for a power outage, which to her luck, wasn’t uncommon for our school. The conversation then turned towards different bad storms we each remembered sparking little competitions of who heard the loudest crack of thunder or who witnessed the biggest lighting strike. None of us particularly liked thunderstorms, but I, in particular, was terrified of them. 

Being our typical middle-school selves, the conversation dwindled and turned into the regular gossip of the latest 7th grade couples and the newest crushes. Sitting at the table, I couldn’t help but dwell on the thought of storms moving in as I watched the dark clouds move over the mountains in the distance. The lunchroom aides standing next to our tables at the recess door began talking about the severe storm alerts they had just received on their phones, wondering if we would lose power. My friends closest to the guards relayed to the rest of us that our 5th period wish might come true after all. 

My friends returned to their conversation, but my eyes stayed on the aides. I wasn’t listening to anyone in particular, but I noticed how my heartbeat was getting louder and conversations were growing distant. The loud roar of the lunch room seemed muffled in comparison to the thunder in my head supplied by the pounding in my chest. Eyes still glued to the aide, I hear the familiar alert sound of her phone, only this time it wasn’t a storm warning. The swirling motion of her finger was quickly followed by Alyssa’s distant remark, “no way! A tornado warning? Sounds like I probably won’t be presenting after all”. Next thing I knew, all eyes were on me at the table as I quickly grew pale, and my breath exposed my pounding heart rate. Stephanie quickly jumped into action, understanding more about what I was experiencing than myself, but it was too late. 

There I was sitting at the back of the lunch room, at the prime real estate table, panicking before the rest of the 7th grade class. Eyes quickly turned to me as I lost control of my emotions. Wrapping her arm through mine, Stephanie rushed me towards the hallway doors, desperate to get me to a more private place. I felt myself stumble along the way as more and more people began staring which only heightened my state. Once in the hall, I heard a teacher’s distant voice tell her to take me to the nurse. 

Laying on the bed in the nurse's office, I finally began to breathe normally after what felt like hours of drowning on dry land. Once I relaxed and was able to rest for a few minutes, she let me know she called my mom to let her know I had an anxiety attack. 

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This was the first time I had ever experienced such fear. At 12 years old, I felt helplessly in danger and panicked over not being able to suppress the anxiety coursing through me. Little did I know that it would be the first of many. 

For a long time, I knew there was something in me that I didn’t have control over. I knew that I would break down and be overcome by anxiety in different situations, but always thought it was just a weakness of mine. Towards my late teens, I came to recognize it as an anxiety disorder, however, it wasn’t until I was 23 that I finally seeked therapy where they openly told me that I do, in fact, have a generalized anxiety disorder. 

This aspect of my life held me back for so long. It impacted my relationships: platonic and romantic. It took a toll on my mental health as it pushed me into a depressive state. I limited myself to new things and experiences because of my fear of having an anxiety attack. My life started to feel restricted due to my anxiety.

In college, my anxiety kicked in often: grades and presentations, student teaching, social events, you name it. Oftentimes it would hold me back from doing things with my friends or attending events. I worked to improve on handling my anxiety, but it still overwhelmed me too often. 

Moving into my first job, my anxiety skyrocketed. The pressure I put on myself to be perfect in my first year of teaching (a.k.a. a ridiculous expectation of myself) left me exhausted, overstimulated, and on a one-way train to burn out. I found myself frequently canceling on friends, my mental health plummeting, and my anxiety crippling. 

After 2 years of going about each day in such a high stress, high anxiety mindset, I decided I needed to make a change. This change was not quick, nor was it easy, but with time and patience, it changed my life. 

Now 25, I still deal with my anxiety. There isn’t a cure for most mental illnesses, only temporary fixes. But with some personal work and growth, I have grown to a place where I feel that I have conquered my anxiety. 

It started with identifying my catalysts. Being able to recognize situations or factors that poke at my anxiety allowed me to do one of two things: avoid the situation or be prepared to cope through it. I learned simple tricks like belly breathing and grounding techniques to help work through an anxious situation. 

I always know I have a “safe person” available if I feel I may need support. These are people who know I struggle with anxiety and that I would feel safe going to if I know I can’t face an anxiety attack on my own. Whether I can text, call, or sit down with them, I know these people will always be there when I need them to be. These are mostly my closest friends, boyfriend, and close family members who are already aware of scenarios that could cause my anxiety to spike. 

At 23, I began going to therapy for a variety of reasons including my anxiety. Speaking about how my anxiety, how it feels physically, what it sounds like in my mind, has all been incredibly helpful. Being able to visualize and understand my anxiety allows me to feel more in control of it. It allows me to identify my symptoms early enough to be able to counteract them with coping and calming techniques. 

The most important step in conquering my anxiety has been my relationship with the Lord. Growing up, I always heard about God, but was never fully trusting of Him. When my anxiety and depression became too much, my growing life as a Christian woman is what ultimately saved me from the grips of fear and anxiety. Knowing that God has a plan and that I am saved through Christ always helps ease my anxious mind. On hard days when I feel a constant anxiety dwelling within me, I will spend time worshiping, reading the word, or having fellowship with others. It has brought me such peace to serve the Lord and to know that my life is in his hands. In my family and amongst my Christian friends, we often say to pray about it and give it up to God. I can do all things through Christ which strengthen me (Phillipians 4:13).

This isn’t to say that I have cured my anxiety. There is no magic cure, especially as someone who doesn’t want to take medication for it. I battle anxiety every day, but no longer allow it to rule my life. Starting with small steps to conquer your anxiety can make all the difference.