Date Yourself First

We’ve all felt the pressure. Between what feels like thirty different dating apps and watching our friends balance their own relationships, there is this huge pressure to find your forever by the time you’re 25. I can hear you now “that’s why we have dating apps”, or “it’s not THAT hard to start talking to someone”, and yeah, you’re right. However, are you putting the same amount of effort into getting to know yourself? I’ve seen countless Tiktoks of girls in their twenties entirely concerned with the fact that they haven't found prince charming despite investing all their time in searching. Well, I’m here to change the narrative: it’s time to be your own prince charming first. 

At 15 I began dating my first serious boyfriend. Little me thought, “this is it, this is prince charming.” Fast forward 5 years later, 20 year-old me realized I was a completely different person than 15 year-old me, and my relationship was taking a hit. (Surprise, he wasn’t prince charming). It wasn’t that I was a bad person, it was solely that I hadn’t taken the time to date myself first. I barely recognized myself anymore. I hadn’t taken the time to fall in love with myself, so how was I supposed to love someone else? 

Walking away was hard, everything I thought I knew going into my twenties changed in a matter of minutes. But I chose to learn about myself; I decided the next time I would fall in love, it would be with myself. Trust me, this wasn’t an easy journey. 

So, what happened? 

I let myself grieve. Those 5 years of my life were incredibly impactful, in positive and negative ways alike. One day you have a whole second family and close friends, the next, you’re on your own. The future I was dreaming up was suddenly a blank canvas again. 

I changed my perspective. After a while I realized the new opportunities I had. There were friendships I had previously put on the back burner because I was convinced my relationship was more important. I declined certain experiences and opportunities because the old me was afraid to try new things in fear of what others will think. Coming into a period of being single, I decided that I would be making decisions that made me happy (a very difficult choice for my people pleaser side). 

I learned about myself. What people don’t tell you is how challenging this part can be. There was a strong fear that I made the wrong choice or that I was moving in the wrong direction. But I had to turn off the voice that was concerned about the perspective of others, and focus on my perspective of myself. I took more time to learn about my interests, my hobbies, and new opportunities available. I started writing again: it was a wonderful way to process the jumbled up mess in my head. I grew deeper in faith: something my former relationship held me back in. I learned what I love, what I despise. 

I made mistakes. Lots of them to be clear: talked to the wrong people, invested time in the wrong areas, saw versions of myself I didn’t like, picked up terrible habits. But that’s the point of dating someone, right? Making mistakes is part of the process of learning what you do and don’t like. Dating yourself still comes with the arguments and regrets, it just happens to be with yourself..

After a year, I finally felt like I knew who I was. I was happy with the direction I was going. It was like I had a ton of the pieces to the puzzle that is me, I just wasn’t sure how they fit together. Over that year I was able to start putting it together. There was a sense of comfort and security in knowing who I was. I considered dating myself successful and felt ready to begin truly dating again. 

Now, I’ll be honest: of course I was on dating apps during most of this experience. I never had that chance before, and since so many of my friends were on these apps I figured it was worth the shot. But I kept myself a priority during that time. (I should disclose that I fall fast and hard, so keeping myself at the top of my priority list was truly an effort). What it did help with was showing me what I did and did not want in a significant other. It helped me sort out what's important to me. 

I eventually came to a point where I was content with the direction I was going and decided that dating wasn’t going to be a priority in my life. I had gone on a few dates that ended in frustration and disappointment. I didn’t want to reintroduce those feelings into my life; I had put so much effort into being satisfied with how life was and I wasn’t going to risk that for some guy.

Here’s probably the cheesiest part of this whole story: you know how people say the moment you stop looking is when that person walks into your life? Yeah…I thought it was a cliche too. Well it’s been almost four years now and I’m so glad I chose to date myself first.

Okay, enough about my story. How could this impact your story? 

Dating yourself shows you so much about life. You will learn more about who you are, who your friends are, and the life you want to have more than you ever thought possible. There is so much value in understanding yourself. Not only can you hold yourself accountable for loving yourself, but you can also set clear boundaries for your relationships with others.

Don’t get me wrong, you can do this in a relationship. I’ve learned so much about myself in my relationship, but doing the ground work on my own first is what allowed me to get where I am. There is growth you can do with a significant other and growth you must do on your own.

There are people on this floating rock that you should always hold accountable for loving, prioritizing, and treating you right. The person at the top of that list is YOU.

Not sure how to date yourself? Start simple: get to know your interests. Invest in your hobbies. You like to write? Keep a journal. Find prompts that make you look inward at yourself. You like to read? Finally pick up that series you’ve been ignoring on your TBR list forever. Looking to start a new hobby but don’t want to do it alone? Grab a friend and go for it! Not sure how to sort through all of the thoughts swirling around in your brain? Invest in therapy. Let me hang on that one for a moment: Invest. In. Therapy.  If you’ve read any of my other posts, you have probably picked up on the fact that this is one of the best decisions I ever made. I have never felt so intune with myself. Dating yourself isn’t complicated: simply take time to invest in yourself, your likes, dislikes. We’re growing, changing adults: it’s normal to learn new things about who you are. 

Whatever direction you choose to approach this concept, I wish you the best. It can be a tough journey, but I believe in you: you should too.