Girl, Stop Saying Sorry

If you went into my text messages and searched for the word “sorry”, the results would be extensive. I have this terrible tendency to always use the word “sorry’” even when I’ve done nothing wrong. Turns out, most of my friends find themself with the same problem. So much so that my we decided to start keeping score of how often we apologize without reason. 

At the beginning of this year, my friends and I had a conversation about holding each other accountable for being true to ourselves and to avoid apologizing for doing so. As a group, we keep a scoreboard: when you apologize and shouldn’t have, you get a tally. This has pushed us to be more intentional with our word choices.

My bad habit is apologizing ahead of time (most often unnecessarily) because I’m afraid to upset or disappoint someone. I was busy and didn’t respond immediately? “I’m sorry”. I’m not able to make plans I never agreed to? “I’m sorry”. Someone else did something they shouldn’t have? “I’m sorry”. I feel like it’s almost my “get out of jail free card” when I don’t know what else to say. 

Saying sorry shouldn’t be our go-to phrase for most situations. In reality, it begins to deteriorate the depth of an actual apology. I’m not saying to be cruel and avoid apologizing when needed, but there are other ways we can fill the silence, sympathize, and express our feelings without the constant need to use this 5 letter word. 

So when should we be apologizing, and when should you be adding a tally to your scoreboard? 

Don’t apologize for having feelings. 

You are allowed to have emotions. Life is allowed to impact you. You don’t have to apologize for being human. 

Do apologize if you negatively expressed those feelings in a way that hurt someone. 

There are rights and wrongs when it comes to how you allow those feelings to impact you. You shouldn’t be sorry for being sad or angry, but if you wrongfully took that out on someone, well that’s where sorry comes in. 

Don’t apologize for doing what’s best for you. 

Can’t make plans because you don’t have the mental capacity or aren’t doing well? Your well-being comes first. 

Do apologize when wrongfully blowing off plans. 

There is a difference between taking care of yourself and blowing someone off because a better option came along. I get it, sometimes that night out with friends sounds better than your studying plans with a peer, but you have to prioritize what commitments came first. 

Don’t apologize for sticking up for yourself.

You have a right to defend yourself and what you stand for. If someone treads on that, you don’t have to put up with it and should protect yourself. 

Do apologize for not being the bigger person. 

If someone does come after you, taking the same actions makes you no better than them. 

Don’t apologize for the behaviors of others.

You are not responsible for the actions and decisions of others. There is a difference between sympathy and taking on responsibility. Sympathy can look like stepping in to support that person. Responsibility means taking on the guilt for what that person did. 

Do apologize for your own actions. 

We all make mistakes, that’s just part of life. But we also make conscious choices that ultimately can hurt someone. So, when we take those actions, knowing the consequences, it’s best to be open about it and apologize. 

Don’t apologize to save the comfortability of someone else. 

If it’s someone else’s mistake, someone else’s behavior, the truth may be uncomfortable, or you just feel it may make the situation uncomfortable out of fear, don’t say sorry. Why? Well, 9 times out of 10 in this situation, there is nothing to be sorry for. Don’t fill the void with an apology. 

The goal here is to help you become more in tune with owning who you are and your actions. Yes, there are plenty of times we should use this phrase, but - more often than not - we use it to fill the silence. You can’t disappoint someone if there was no need for an apology in the first place. 

Stop apologizing for things you aren’t responsible for. Stop putting yourself in the fire when it wasn’t one you started. Hold yourself accountable for being true to yourself. Instead of responding with “I’m sorry” look for phrases you can act on. This doesn’t mean you can’t ever apologize…don’t be a jerk. But stop saying sorry when there’s nothing to be sorry for.